Random Foot in Mouth Moments

This week started briliantly on Sunday when I got to meet up with some British Mummy Bloggers at the Rainforest Cafe. Thank you Susanna (http://www.amodernmother.com/) and Amy for organising this. I know everyone's said it much better than me already but it really was a fantastic couple of hours. It's why I love the Internet - you can make connections you'd never be able to make otherwise. And being surrounded by all these wonderful blogging men and women made me determined to get writing more frequently.

Unfortunately I'm so busy at work right now I can barely think straight. Here I am, it's Wednesday already and I really can't think of a single remotely interesting thought that I've had in the last few days. That is unless detailed technical insights into Oracle rock your world? No? Can't tempt you? You surprise me.

So instead I'm posting more randomness.

So I get out of the tube this morning and there are some charity collectors at the entrance to the station collecting for a charity to help the blind. One of the collectors obviously was blind or partially sighted as he held a white stick. This guy called out a greeting to another guy who had just arrived. Second guy responded with "Hi! Nice to see you!" That's funny right? If I'd said it I would be mortified obviously.

My favourite ever TV blooper was Dicky Davies, sports presenter (anyone remember him?) on live TV saying "And now let's go to the Cop Succer."

Thing2 once had a wormery as he's something of a bug fanatic. One day he found a huge centipede and decided to put it in the wormery too. He's something of a pedant about words and I overheard him explaining to Thing1 that he couldn't call it a wormery any longer as it now contained a centipede as well. He thought for a few moments then announced he was going to call it a buggery! Luckily I managed to persuade him to to remove the centipede!

Favourite saying of the week is by Thing2: "My life just gets better and better."

He's right too - it does - lucky bugger.

Random Thoughts

I've been too tired to blog for the last couple of weeks. Just too much going on. Thing2 was eight years old yesterday and we had lots of family over on Saturday for a party. This entailed much shopping and cooking and also much thinking about shopping and cooking. It's the thinking and planning that eats into all my spare time. Working full-time is fine as long as there is nothing else going on, like having a life. It's particularly frustrating me at the moment as I seem to have found my misplaced mojo and am fired up about lots of things I want to do but I have very little time in which to actually get started.

Anyway, I've thought about blogging alot but I guess that doesn't really count does it? Anyway I thought I'd post a list of the things I'd like to blog about with a view to perhaps fleshing some of them out at a later date.

1) British Mummy Bloggers vs American Mommy bloggers:

I read alot of American blogs. But I wonder about the differences. Americans - more likely to publish very detailed accounts of their children, husband, selves. This may be unfair as there are literally thousands of American bloggers out there who probably don't but I'm deliberately thinking in generalizations. Brits more likely to maintain anonymity of their children, particularly with regard to photographs. Is this a cultural thing? A reflection of the maturity of the mommy blogging thing in the US?

2) Blogging and Anonymity

Two areas: my anonymity and my children's anonymity. As far as my chidren are concerned, I'm unlikely to post much detail about them on this blog. At first I thought this was to do with their age but I'm rapidly coming to the conclusion that I would not have posted alot of detail about them even when they were babies and I'm not sure why this is? Cultural? Invasion of privacy?

As far as my anonymity goes I'm really struggling to sort out my feelings. On the one hand, anonymity is nice in that you can say things you might not otherwise say. Then again, because the possibility exists that someone else might read it, you have to think about what it is you are trying to say rather than just indulging in an emotion dump-fest at the end of shitty day.

On the other hand, it's quite cathartic to indulge in an emotion dump-fest at the end of a shitty day but the idea that you might meet a real, live person who had actually read the dump-fest is terrifying. I think I need several blogs to cover all the hats I want to wear but the chances of me updating more than a couple are nil. I'm treading a middle path at the moment i.e. quite alot of self-censorship going on.

3) Maternal guilt and competitiveness

I think there's too much guilt associated with mothering. Is it a generational thing? A class thing? When did we all get so judgemental? Isn't good-enough parenting good enough? Are parents using their children's achievements to try and bolster their own self-esteem?

4) Spoilt Children

How do you make children appreciate how lucky they are? I'm at a loss with this one. I think I'm lucky in that I've got enough money to provide my children with a comfortable life. However, we're not wealthy enough to spend money without a second thought and my children do sometimes hear the the phrase "...because we can't afford it." But even so, they are fairly careless with money and posessions because they can afford to be. How to impart the value of money and appreciate the things it can't buy?

5) Do I drink too much?

6) Is there any nicer smell than that of an eight year old boy with no front teeth?

7) Is anyone else obsessed with the way their children smell or is that just me?

8) Should I go to bed now? Very probably.

Signing off.

Half Term.

Woo hoo! It's Wednesday and I haven't yelled at anyone yet! No meltdowns, door slamming, angry-face pulling, drowning of sorrows - nothing! Not even low-impact nagging.

Granted - it's cost me a small fucking fortune in trips to Legoland, 3D movies and the like, and enough sweets got consumed today to fill a full-sized water-butt but still - don't knock it. Nobody went to bed hating me. Fan-fucking-tastic!

I'm back to work on Friday so if I can just get through tomorrow without any major mishaps I may splash out on a bottle of sparkling wine to celebrate! Plus the liberal use of exclamation marks will continue!!! So there!!

Seriously though, I've had a great relaxing week. I hope the rest of you have too.

And if not? Don't worry. Been there, done that. Nothing lasts for ever, especially not the bad times.

What If I Look Back and Think 'Bollocks'?

Not a great title for a post I know but it does get to the heart of how I'm feeling at the moment.

My life goes by in a predictable blur.

I'm working 4.5 days a week. I leave early in the morning so I don't really see Thing 1 and Thing 2 at all in the morning. Luckily I can leave work and be home by about 5.30. My mother-in-law looks after the children 3 days a week and my husband and I do one afternoon school pick-up each.

I'm lucky - I'm healthy, my children are healthy, I have a roof over my head, food on the table, good friends and family.

But I'm still pissed off most of the time.

I earn a good salary but not as much as I could do because I'm not prepared to put in the hours that a higher-status job would require. And frankly? My career bores me to tears. And yet on the other hand I'm jealous of other women I know with higher status jobs than me and feel inadequate because I'm not achieving.

I am a mostly good mother I think and yet I spend ridiculous amounts of time thinking I'm a dreadful parent. Working full-time is hard and I know I don't put as much time and effort into helping my children with school work etc as other mothers do.

More feelings of inadequacy.

I share my house with my mother-in-law three days a week which DRIVES ME FUCKING NUTS. But she's great grandparent and my children benefit from their close relationship with her. I, on the other hand, do not benefit from her proximity and experience times when I can barely act civilly.

I'm just worried that I will look back at this time, when the children have left home and think 'Why did I live my life like that? What was the point?'

And yet I know I have to work. My husband's job is well paid but insecure. He suffers from depression and has had long periods off sick in the past. Athough he seems much better I worry that depression may strike again and I will be the only breadwinner. Neither of us are going to inherit shedloads of money so I need a pension. We're generally hopeless with money so I need to work to get pay off and keep us out of debt. The credit-crunch has reminded us all that having up-to-date skills and a manageable job is not to be sniffed at.

And yet I wake up every day and think 'Oh Lord, here we go again. Back on the treadmill.'

I try and plan alot of things so that when I'm not at work we (I) have things to look forward to. But am I kidding myself? Will I look back and think I did everything badly? Wonder what it was all for?

I'm constantly amazed at people who make radical changes to their lives and seem to thrive on the uncertainty, the adrenalin. 'That's not me' I think.

I'm scared I guess. Risk averse. It's all fine at the moment so I just keep going. But will I look back and think 'Bollocks'?

I'm worried I will.

Intellectually I know that all it would take is a health scare, a money scare to make me long for this life as it is now. I know I'm beyond lucky, I know. I know all this. If I survive long enough to see my children grow up happy and healthy I will be a lucky, lucky woman. But how do I feel it on a daily basis.

What gets you through the day?